Planting Seeds of Possibility
"One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again." ~Abraham Maslow
The idea of creating a website based on the whimsical world of Fleurette had been on my mind for years, but moments of motivation and inspiration were fleeting at best, coming and going like the tide but without a feeling of readiness to begin. About a year and a half ago when the timing started to feel right and as I was trying to figure out the overall direction of the website, I was advised during a session by my intuitive mentor and friend, Kristen Houser of Fauna Speak, to not get discouraged if putting together the site took much longer than planned. I’m forever grateful that she sensed a lengthy delay, because hearing her voice in the back of my mind kept me from quitting. But I’m also glad I didn’t know just how long it would take, or what an emotional rollercoaster it would be. I would have never started had I known of the mountain I would have to climb.
In January 2021 I purchased a web domain and set out to create a site on my own. Squarespace is supposed to be relatively easy to navigate, but my ridiculously tech-challenged self would quickly become flustered and intimidated by the slightest hiccup. Years went by until I ultimately had to get honest about my limitations and ask for help. I ended up hiring a web designer, and for a little over a year we worked together through my fear-based procrastinations, micromanagements, meltdowns and miscommunications. She patiently and gently encouraged me to keep going, giving steady reassurance that it would all come together at the right time. Her skills were essential in bringing all the scattered elements of my imaginative vision together.
But also important to note, the anxiety and stress caused by disturbing world events continues to play a role in the timing of just about everything I do, and often leaves me feeling fractured and depleted. It’s been one thing after another since November 2016, including family and friend estrangements, and burned bridges. There’s barely time to catch one’s breath in between the ongoing chaos. And. It. Is. Exhausting. Sometimes it seems as if everyone else is going about life during these intense times as if all is normal, but I know that’s not completely true. I know that many of us are simply trying to make the best out of dire circumstances. It’s not all gloom and doom; I can acknowledge the beauty of the world. The thing is, I’ve always been hyper-aware of life in general. It’s hard to explain, but it’s almost as if I experience it as an observer rather than a participant. For me life has always felt a bit unreal, but it’s even more so now with the political corruption and cult-like behavior running rampant. I can’t speak for all highly sensitive people, but I tend to shutdown when things get overwhelming as a way to restore my energy and to find balance. Some creatives are able to meet the challenge by diving right into their art during dark times. I, on the other hand, tend to lose my spark and it can take much effort to find my way back, as I’m so easily affected by collective energy and stress.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” ~Anaïs Nin
I shouldn’t be surprised by the roundabout route of this project. Rarely has any set upon path been without unexpected delays and detours. But it’s not just that, as we all experience rerouting from time to time. I believe much of it has to do with the fact that I’ve always been a late bloomer. I’ve come to accept that my timeline is just different and may never be what society deems as normal. But it can still be frustrating to find oneself fumbling through missed opportunities and milestones, and fighting off comparisons and crippling self-doubt. I know my strengths, though. I have a great eye for style, beauty, interiors and photography. And being highly sensitive gives me a strong connection to the pulse of things, meaning that I tend to know (intuitively) even before I understand the why or how of it all. And I’ve never lost my child-like sense of wonder and magic. The struggle has been in finding the right formula in which to express these gifts. And honestly, I’ve been quite unlucky when it comes to interpersonal connections and networking. In the past I’ve put much effort into creative projects only to have the carpet pulled out from under me or ideas stolen, so it’s kind of scary knowing that I could fail again or be bamboozled once more. But it’s the possibility of experiencing the full potential of a dream that keeps me curious enough to continue (albeit cautiously) to open doors and start new paths when they present themselves.
I’m inspired by visual storytelling and I truly enjoy the connections I’ve made on platforms such as Instagram. But social media has changed in such a way that it has become less and less about daily snapshots, and more and more about memes, reels and serving as a marketplace. I’m not putting it down. Obviously, it can be a very useful tool for creators and the business savvy, as it’s a great way to put oneself out there to be seen. It’s wonderful to receive praise and recognition for any kind of work or practice. My dream, however, is not of social media stardom. My vision of success is quieter and lives outside the realm of clicks and algorithms. There’s a performative aspect to playing the game that I don’t have the internal wiring or energy for. I’ve seen people do it brilliantly and wildly succeed, but I’m personally not able to create on demand for likes or follows. I create only when I’m inspired to do so, and the ideas that come to me tend to germinate for a long while before they see the light of day. I prefer to take my time, working slowly and intentionally, and that’s not conducive to thriving on social media where regularly scheduled postings are needed in order to keep up engagement.
“Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still.” ~Chinese Proverb
The Peculiar Fleurette is very niche, and quirky, and not at all cool. And that also happens to be a pretty accurate description of myself. Ha! There’s nothing trending or popular about what I do. This website is simply a (low pressure) creative outlet for sharing my heightened observations, quiet inner knowings and whimsical expressions of everyday life and style through illustration, photography, journaling and 1:6 scale living. It’s a meeting place for friends and kindred spirits to visit from time to time. Here you can catch a glimpse of a fairytale life that’s mostly charmed, but sometimes cursed. Strangely personal growth and good things can come out of chapters of darkness, especially when the courage is mustered to slay the dragon. I’ve learned that spells can be broken when faith and authenticity in oneself is restored. I have many obstacles to overcome, and I still have my doubts and insecurities in wondering if this site is even worth sharing. But then I think of the words, music, movies and art I have been inspired and delighted by, and how in witnessing these shared creative expressions of life, no matter how big or small, help me to feel a little more connected and seen. Though I have yet to find a predictable or secure path to follow, maybe this is my season if not to fully bloom, to at least take the seeds out of the packet and plant them in the ground.
